People Are Meant to Assist You, Not Sustain You

One of the things I have had to learn about relationships is this:

People are meant to assist you, not sustain you.

There is a difference.

We need people. I believe that. We were not created to do life alone. Community matters. Friendship matters. Family matters. Healthy relationships matter.

But trouble starts when we begin expecting another person to carry something they were never designed to carry.

Sometimes we are looking to people to give us our strength, our identity, our peace, our confidence, and our stability.

And that is too much weight to put on another human being.

People Can Contribute Without Being Everything

A healthy relationship says, You bring something valuable to my life, and I bring something valuable to yours.

That is different from saying, I cannot function unless you are okay. I cannot move unless you tell me I can. I cannot feel good about myself unless you make me feel good about myself.

That is not support anymore.

That is dependence.

I believe healthy relationships are meant to be interdependent. You supply something. I supply something. We help one another.

But neither one of us supplies everything.

There are things people can give you that matter deeply: encouragement, wisdom, accountability, companionship, prayer, perspective, and support.

But nobody can be your all in all.

Everybody Has Limits

Here is where boundaries become important.

You have limits.

I have limits.

The people you love have limits.

And there is nothing wrong with that.

Some of us were raised to believe that always showing up, always saying yes, always being available, and always doing more meant we were strong.

But if you constantly demonstrate that you will do everything, eventually people will begin expecting everything.

Then we get frustrated because they keep asking.

At some point, we have to recognize that part of setting healthy boundaries is teaching people what we can and cannot carry.

You can love somebody and still say, I do not have the capacity for that today.

You can care and still be tired.

You can support somebody without taking responsibility for their entire life.

Your Foundation Has to Be Deeper Than People

Relationships change.

People get tired.

People make mistakes.

People disappoint us.

Sometimes they simply do not have what we need at a particular moment.

If your entire strength is built on another person always being strong, what happens when they become weak?

That is why your inner life matters.

You have to develop your own faith, your own sense of identity, your own relationship with God, and your own ability to stand.

Then when healthy people come into your life, they are adding strength to strength.

They are not trying to keep you alive.

In his teaching, EAJ describes this as two people bringing their own strength into the relationship so that when one is weak, the other can help. The relationship works because both people have something to contribute, not because one person is responsible for carrying the other all the time.

Support Should Strengthen You

The goal of healthy support is not to make you less capable without the person.

Healthy support should help you become stronger.

Wiser.

More grounded.

More confident.

More aware of who you are.

The right people can help hold your arms up when you are tired, but eventually, you still have to develop the strength to stand.

That is part of doing life together.

We walk with people.

We encourage people.

We help people.

We allow people to help us.

But we also remember that no human being was designed to become the foundation of another person's entire life.

People are meant to assist you, not sustain you.

And when we understand that, our relationships have room to become healthier, freer, and stronger.